Well, its' been a while.

How time flies these days. I have a lot of catching up to do on here I think. I will try to make it as brief as possible though.

Since my last post in August lots of things have changed for me. I found out August 27th that I was pregnant again! It was so nerve racking founding out though, because of course my mind starts thinking will this be for real this time, or will I lose another one? Well, I am happy to report that things have been going amazing well with this pregnancy so far. I am currently 18 weeks 5 days (about 4.5 months) pregnant with our first child. It has been a very exciting time for Bruce and me since we found out, but also stressful as we are trying to figure out how we will manage financially when baby gets here. But I think most expectant parents go through this at some point. I know we will figure it all out, the important part is just getting baby here alive and healthy.

We just had our anatomy scan about a week ago, which was so cool! I got to spend 2 hours looking at my baby inside my belly. I will never forget that day, ever. I have been feeling the baby move/kick for about the past 4 weeks. The movements/kicks have been getting stronger lately. Bruce felt the baby moving around for the first time last weekend. The look on his face was wonderful.

We have decided to wait until the baby is born to find out the gender. We have told a few people about our decision, and have gotten a lot of mixed reactions. I've had people think it was cool, and I have actually had people get mad at me for not finding out. So weird to me that it's not normal to wait to find out. We really want the surprise at the end, and after all we have been through to get here, why ruin the moment. I have had a feeling since about 8 wks though that it will be a boy. The doctor was able to tell at the anatomy scan, but we asked them not to tell us. At least the doctor and nurses thought it was cool that we decided to wait to find out. Over all I have been doing very well during this pregnancy. The morning sickness did not last long, and the only real symptoms I have let are being tired all the time, and having to pee like 100 times a day, lol. I have gained about 15 pounds already, and it's all in my belly. So I have been looking visibly pregnant since about 12 wks.

I have been thinking more about not going back to work after baby is born. I just can't really make the decision because of our insurance being through me. Also, Bruce's job is kind of all over the place as far as his pay goes. I don't want to make him stay home and be a stay at home dad unless he wants to, but we can't afford day care. There is just no way we can spend $900 a month to pay someone to raise our child. It's ridiculous! And being so far from the family in NY and NH, we have no one to help us with that part of things. So who knows, we may very well end up back in NY sooner then we thought, because we will need the help. Bruce's older brother lives in NC with his wife and 2 kids, but they are useless to us. All they do is criticize our choices, and plans. You know what I say to that, screw them! I am tired of being looked down upon by them (especially the wife) because we have not planned things perfectly. She really drives me crazy because she is this 40 something yr old woman who is so f'ing sheltered she has never even really had to deal with sitting in traffic her entire life! Seriously, what kind of life it that anyway?

Well, I will stop there in regards to that rant, because it would take me hours and many pages to get my frustrations out about her.

So, here I am on the journey to becoming a mommy (finally). I just hope that I can do a good job, and raise my child well.

The waiting game

Well, I have 3 days before AF is suppose to arrive but I am hoping she doesn't. It's been almost 5 months since my D&C, so I should be able to get pregnant at this point with no problems. I have been trying not to think about it much, but it's very hard when no matter where you go there are babies and pregnant women. I'll be taking a test on Saturday, so we'll see :)
I have also recent started school again. I ended up with A&P II, and General Chemistry this semester. Chemistry is going to be challenging, because of all of the math that is required. I just hope that I at least pass the class. I pretty much have class 5 days a week, 3 days are online and the other 2 are on campus.
We started dissecting our cat in lab last night. I was not happy about it, but I rocked that dissection! The other 2 people in my group didn't really want to do it, so I just took over. But next class it's all them :)
I have a 5k coming up on 9/11/10, and hoping to run the whole way this time. I might started out walking just to get warmed up, but I want to run the majority of it and maybe beat my time of 46 mins.

Trying to catch up on all of my thoughts

Since April our lives seem to be in this never-ending shadow of sadness, pain, and anger but we hope that our luck will change soon.

To recap the past couple of months, I had a miscarriage in April that really tore me up inside. It was just hard to know that my little boy or girl was alive one minute, then gone the next. Ended up having to have surgery to move the miscarriage along since my body did not want to let go. So the whole month of April was spent pretty much dealing with the miscarriage and all of that.

Fast forward to May, and we have even more fun in store for us. On May 24, 2010 I received a call at work that my husband had been in a motorcycle accident on his way to work. I honestly thought my coworkers were messing with me, and I actually laughed when they told me (it was more in disbelief then anything else).
My life stopped when it finally sank in and I found myself running from my office to my car, so that I could get to the hospital. I had no idea how bad he was, but I knew deep down he was still alive and that's all that mattered. I could still feel my husband's presence even though he was all the way across town, and I had not spoken with him yet. There are moments of the drive to the hospital that I can not remember though. I do remember driving 80 mph all the way to the hospital. I could not help it, I had to get to him. When I finally got to the hospital he had already been assessed by the EMTs and ER docs, and they had already done a CT scan on him. He took the majority of the impact to his face, but luckily sustained no massive injuries.
When I walked into the ER and saw him laying on the table with a neck brace still on and blood all over him, I almost passed out. He just looked awful, and from far away you would have been sure he had massive head trauma. The MD was still stitching up his face when I arrived. He ended up with 5 stitches under his nose, because he ripped a hole through his upper lip. He also had 3 stitches inside his mouth, and 2 on the left side of his face. He had a massive black eye, and serious swelling of his face. The EMTs cut all of his clothes off, because they were not sure where else he was bleeding from. Luckily it was just his face, and nose that had been bleeding.

Even now when I think about his accident my heart aches, because I know how close I came to losing my husband, my best friend that day. I'm not a religious person by any means, but I know that someone was watching out for him that day because it could have been so much worse. We figured out that the majority of the impact was to the right side of his head, and that if he had not been wearing his helmet the right side of his face would have been crushed, and he would have died. It's been almost 4 weeks since the accident now, and my hubby is doing much better. His bike will be in the shop for a while, but at least its not total lose.

As for the up coming months, the biggest thing on my horizon is going back to school in the fall. I am planning to get some of my pre-reqs for the Physician's Assistant program at Duke completed. I think I will have at least 2 yrs worth of that to do, that includes taking my GREs, before I can even apply to the program. I think at this point in my life this is the right choice to make. If I end up getting pregnant during this time, that's ok because the classes will still transfer to the PA program once I am ready to apply.

Oh no, not a gray hair!

That's it, I guess I have officially joined the "getting old" crowd. I was hoping to be lucky enough to not get my first gray hair until I was in my 70s like my grandma, but so much for that : /
There is always the box of hair dye I have sitting in my bathroom. Maybe this weekend my gray hair will get to meet that box of hair color, and then we'll see who wins. My money is on the hair dye : p

Feeling so depressed today

I'm not sure why it just hit me, but I feel so sad/depressed today. I really miss my baby. I miss being pregnant, and being tired and all of the wonderful things that came with being pregnant. But its all gone now, all of it. I feel like I did before I got pregnant and that makes me sad. Its as if nothing ever happened. I have been doing so well until today, not sure why this hit me today; very weird.
I'm in my 2nd week back to work since the miscarriage, and things have been going great, but every once in a while it hits me. I miss my baby so much. That really about sums up my current mood. I feel empty today, and its very possible that this is all coming out because I started feeling like AF (aunt flow) was on her way. Every cramp is just another reminder that my baby is gone. I don't understand this world sometimes, and I hope someday I do.

My heart has broken

It has been a very hard week. We found out on Monday (4/5/10) that we lost our baby. The baby stopped growing, and there was no longer a heartbeat. The baby should have been 11 wks the week we found out. It has been very hard to deal with. We were so happy to finally be having a baby. We waited weeks to tell people, because of the first miscarriage we had back in 2007. Its just not fair!! I feel like we got jipped, even after we waited to tell everyone! I am so angry, sad, shocked, lost, empty; I just can't believe it happened to us again. Not only did I have a miscarriage, I had a missed-miscarriage. That means that my body did not know that the baby had died. I was still having pregnancy symptoms, and my body was still growing. It didn't matter though, because my baby was dead inside me for 3 weeks. I felt so betrayed by my body at first, but now I think I just didn't want to let go of my baby. I ended up having a d&c, there was no way I could go through another natural miscarriage. I was so scared going into surgery on Friday. It was such a sad morning, because I had to say goodbye to my baby. The surgery did go very well, and the doctor said we should be just fine to start trying again in 4 weeks. We are looking forward to the next 4 weeks flying by. We really want to start a family, and we are more determined then ever to get started ; )

I need a new focus, and new direction.

I have been spending way too much time lately thinking about wanting to be pregnant. I feel like I am in this constant state of wonder and anticipation. I have been ignoring my need to exercise lately, and I'm pretty sure this has something to do with it. I really want to be a mom, and move to the next step in my life, but it feels like something does not want me to take that step yet. Could it be the promise I made to myself in 2007? The promise I made to lose the last 30 pounds I need to lose before I have to add on baby weight?

I painfully remember how much my body ached when I was 190 pounds. I had made it to a point in my life where I just did not care about myself. I just let go of everything, and gave in to my food addiction. I was miserable. Getting up out of a chair was so painful on my joints. I got winded going up stairs, and I even started getting arthritis in my right knee. I will never forgot how embarrassing it was to have a doctor tell you, to your face, that all your problems come from your obesity. I am so glad that someone had the balls to say this to me!

I won't lie; I knew damn well what I was doing to myself. I just didn't care. I wish I knew why I hated myself so bad back then. From that day I have given it my best everyday to try and not end up back in the place. Now I can't say that I have given it my "all" everyday, but I try very hard. There are days/weeks that the thought of exercise kills me. And then there are times when I all I think about is running.

Lately though, I have been doing a lot more thinking than doing. I don't now why I cannot seem to get me feet out the door these days. I was doing so well, until I changed jobs. It messed up my whole routine due to the longer drive to and from work. I need to find a way to fix this problem, because this is really the only problem. I have been unable to get back to my routine, and its slowly driving me crazy. I need to sit down and figure this out before I am back in that place once more.

If I cannot come up with possible plan for a routine by the end of this week, I need to sit down with the Live for Life people at work and seek their advice. Maybe that's all I need, that outside opinion on how I need to go about accomplishing my goal. I know I can lose 30 pounds; I've done it before. It took me 6 months, but that was with no exercise, only diet changes. Imagine what I could accomplish in 6 month with exercise and diet changes! Well, I think I may have just answered my own question. Sorry for that sharp change in topic just there, but I need a new focus and new direction. Won’t you follow me, and see where it takes me?