I need a new focus, and new direction.

I have been spending way too much time lately thinking about wanting to be pregnant. I feel like I am in this constant state of wonder and anticipation. I have been ignoring my need to exercise lately, and I'm pretty sure this has something to do with it. I really want to be a mom, and move to the next step in my life, but it feels like something does not want me to take that step yet. Could it be the promise I made to myself in 2007? The promise I made to lose the last 30 pounds I need to lose before I have to add on baby weight?

I painfully remember how much my body ached when I was 190 pounds. I had made it to a point in my life where I just did not care about myself. I just let go of everything, and gave in to my food addiction. I was miserable. Getting up out of a chair was so painful on my joints. I got winded going up stairs, and I even started getting arthritis in my right knee. I will never forgot how embarrassing it was to have a doctor tell you, to your face, that all your problems come from your obesity. I am so glad that someone had the balls to say this to me!

I won't lie; I knew damn well what I was doing to myself. I just didn't care. I wish I knew why I hated myself so bad back then. From that day I have given it my best everyday to try and not end up back in the place. Now I can't say that I have given it my "all" everyday, but I try very hard. There are days/weeks that the thought of exercise kills me. And then there are times when I all I think about is running.

Lately though, I have been doing a lot more thinking than doing. I don't now why I cannot seem to get me feet out the door these days. I was doing so well, until I changed jobs. It messed up my whole routine due to the longer drive to and from work. I need to find a way to fix this problem, because this is really the only problem. I have been unable to get back to my routine, and its slowly driving me crazy. I need to sit down and figure this out before I am back in that place once more.

If I cannot come up with possible plan for a routine by the end of this week, I need to sit down with the Live for Life people at work and seek their advice. Maybe that's all I need, that outside opinion on how I need to go about accomplishing my goal. I know I can lose 30 pounds; I've done it before. It took me 6 months, but that was with no exercise, only diet changes. Imagine what I could accomplish in 6 month with exercise and diet changes! Well, I think I may have just answered my own question. Sorry for that sharp change in topic just there, but I need a new focus and new direction. Won’t you follow me, and see where it takes me?